The Ministry of Certain Things...
One Year Old!! 30th November 2007, by Matneee
Today is a very special day in terms of not very special stuff happening worldwide on a regular basis - for today, The Ministry of Certain Things is One Year Old!!!! Woo!!! Yeah!!!! And so on. Exactly one year ago today, TMoCT dragged it's foetid carcass onto the internet, and inexplicably I've not got bored of it yet and it's still here!. Things are going well and I fully expect the entire site to be housetrained by the end of next year. We must make haste slowly and all that. So far we appear to have had 55,292 unique visitors to the site who presumably have absolutely nothing better to do with their time, although - to be tremendously dull about things for a second - I believe the current monthly turnover indicates something like eight or nine thousand new visitors a month and rising alarmingly. I'd like to thank everyone who made this site possible (i.e. - Me), although I grudgingly acknowledge that some recognition is due to all the people who have came here over the past twelve months. Just so long as you realise that I could have done it all without you all. There just wouldn't have been much point... |
Something Wiki This Way Comes... 19th October 2007, by Matneee
So... It's been quite a long time since the last front page update. I've got a good excuse this time, though. Honestly - I have. I've been working on something new. Something exciting. Something... Crap!!!
CrapWiki.com is frankly magnificent and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it will usher in a new era of people not geting much done at work because they're too busy downloafing on some shifty website instead. After a whole two months of development and fiddling, I've just flung wide the doors to a new website, and it's now open to public abuse from anyone who cares to enter! CrapWiki essentially aspires to be the World's crappest encyclopedia and believe me, it's probably going to manage. You know the page here entitled 'Made-Up Stuff'? It's like that except scaled up a few times and editable by the whole of the internets. It's a genuinely brilliant way to waste time while giving the impression you're doing something constructive. And the best thing is that using the magic that is known as Web2.0, I get to take all the credit while everyone else does all the hard work! Oh, Sweet joy of life!
Anyway. Pop over, have a browse, and maybe make a few contributions. You know you want to. Besides - CrapWiki is probably going to take a fair bit of my spare time for the next couple of months, so I'm not sure when I'll next be adding to TMoCT...
The Great Escape 23rd August 2007, by Matneee
Having myself spent many unhappy childhood years being forced to work in the Bladder Factories of North-East England, I am proud to be part of a great tradition of people escaping the area as soon as they are able. This is not uncommon - many of the worlds most famous explorers come from the North-East. Captain James Cook, for example, was from Middlesborough and was the first person to make outside contact with Australia. It is physically impossible for you to get further away from Middlesborough than Australia while still remaining on the planet, which should tell you something about the sheer bowel-wobbling terror that growing up there instills in you. Also, George Stephenson, father of the modern railway, was born in Wylam just outside of Newcastle upon Tyne and in 1830 famously developed a pioneering new locomotive as a means of escaping from the North-East faster than any man ever had before.
This holds true for much of the North East - there's something about the place that drives people to get as far away from it as possible. I fully expect the first man on Mars shall in fact be from Blyth, in a home-made rocket knocked up in his pigeon shed. Personally I've made it as far as West Yorkshire so far. Well - some of us are just better explorers than others, I suppose...
Completely Pointless 11th August 2007, by Matneee
Great news! After all the stirling work I've been doing in The Ministry of Certain Things, my efforts have been noticed by Those Above and I have been afforded a new position of great importance and prestige! From now on I shall also be working for The Ministry of Pointless Things, a highly esteemed Government department that is pivotal in many decisions and policies being made today! I am, naturally, tremendously excited about this. I have been given a leading post in forward planning and shall now be acting as Head of the Department of Retrospection - a crucial arm of the Ministry specifically charged with deciding months in advance which decisions shall be changed or rescinded once we've carried them out. This is the big break I've been waiting for in the world and I look forward to taking great strides forward in the field of taking a step back.
On a side note, it's my birthday in two days so feel free to send me cash gifts by paypal to username matneee@hotmail.com. I am well aware that this is unlikely to work, but feel I have nothing to lose by trying. So send me some cash, you tight-fisted sods...
Global Warming and Bad Karma 28th May 2007, by Matneee
I was musing on the subject of Global Warming the other day. I've no idea why - it was one of the coldest, wettest, most miserable days of the year to date. Probably wishful thinking, then. Anyway, clearly we've badly scratched the fagile homeostatic mechanisms that keep our planet functioning in a healthy manner and face drastic climatic upheaveal and possibly extinction as a species within 500 years if we don't do something about it, and I doubt anyone will be Emailing us a new Ecosystem any time soon. So logically my solution was entering into an uhholy tryst that I'll negotiate with the combined cockroach Nations of the world - I mean, they're renowned as being your best bet for surviving just about anything, right? So we're going to breed with them. I've been trying to play down the negative side of things so far, but once I've got my new race of Half-Cockroach, Half-Human Supermen installed in favorable public positions - such as ice-cream vendors, comedy relief sidekicks in action movies and that bloke who invariably turns up sitting in a bath of baked beans at charity events, people will overcome their initial ambivalence and everyone will be at it with cockroaches. I've even got a punchy catchphrase I'm having printed on T-Shirts - "Come out fightin' and covered in Chitin" - I feel sure that alone should get most people onside. The survival of the species is at stake after all, Damnit!!!
Anyway, a friend of mine - well, some bloke I talk to on a forum who I've never actually met, really - reckoned he already had it covered...
"As previously discussed, I have mapped my future behaviours down to within +/-0.01 milliKarmas to ensure that I will be reincarnated as a Cockroach. It's not too late for you to get with the program - that dung won't roll itself, people."
...quoth he, demonstrating a wisdom far beyond his years or sobriety. And this is indeed proper and sensible and I applaud his clarity of thinking. Plus as a bonus, it got round all that messy having to persuade people to mate with cockroaches thing, which I frankly hadn't worked out all the finer details for and was looking increasingly like a bit of a stumbling block if I'm being honest. So, all was good. Karma was the answer to global warming, we all come back as cockroaches and survive. Nothing to worry about now - Huzzah!! Only, it was a bit of a quiet day and I decided to look into cockroaches a little - and it turns out the little bastards have been lying to us all along!
Despite deliberately misleading us to think otherwise, the lying little sods are just a bunch of great big girls blouses! In the event of, say, a Nuclear War, they would be among the first insects to die, because they are in reality such feeble, shandy-drinking wusses. Better than Humans, certainly, but while a human dies from about 1000 rads and a cockroach dies from about 20,000 rads, that's really pathetic compared to, say, a fruit-fly which can take a muscular 64,000 rads before popping it's tiny, insectile clogs. I, for one, am going back to the Cockroaches to complain bitterly about this misrepresentation and demand a full apology.
If anyone is thinking about taking the frankly ingenious Karma approach to Global Warming and considering coming back as a cockroach, I say this to you. You want to re-map your Karma and come back as a Parasitic Wasp, mate - they're meths-drinking hard cases of the insect world and can eat up to 180,000 rads before getting fatally peaky. Although there is a pink micro-organism known as Conan the Bacterium (I'm not making this up...) which can take about 1.5 million rads. Unless you freeze it. In which case it's resistance doubles...
So yeah. There you go then - Global Warming solved. Turns out Karma was the key all along. You can wreck the planet as much as you like in the mean time - just so long as you make sure you tick the right boxes on your karma map and come back as something less feeble that can take a few rays. Who'd have thought it, eh?
GhostTown 19th April 2007, by Matneee
So.... Just realised it's been very quiet around here recently and it's about a month since I last wrote anything on the front page. Well, there's a reason for that - it's because I'm a lazy bastard. I've pretty much just been lounging about in my free time, drinking beer and playing Playstation 3, and generally being a lackadaisical, work-shy fop. That sort of thing. I can recommend it to you as well - it's really quite relaxing. There's been a few updates in the meantime, but I don't think I can be bothered telling you about them either - I really am that slovenly. So why not go have a poke amongst the tumbleweeds and dust and have a look for yourself before you fall into the same slipshod ways that I have?
Can't be bothered writing any more now.
The Missing Link 8th March 2007, by Matneee
Er.. looking at that title over the photo, I can see how it could maybe be taken the wrong way. But really - it refers to the article, not the picture..
Just a quick note today. While trudging through the tedious web statistics related to The Ministry of Certain Things, I noticed we've started getting referals from Del Toro Films - the Official fansite of Guillermo Del Toro (pictured). He's the creative force behind (amongst other films) Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth and I've really got massive respect for the man. The site in question is notable as being the one that Del Toro himself posts on by the way, so it's about as close to insider information as you're ever going to get. Anyway - Guillermo Del Toro is a big fan of H.P. Lovecraft and it appears that our Lovecraft Library is now being linked to from there as the page of choice for his stories, which I'm really quite pleased about to be honest.
Del Toro has for some time been planning a big-screen adaptation of Lovecraft classic At the Mountains of Madness which, if there's any justice in the world, will finally get the funding it needs to lurch into production once Hellboy 2 is wrapped up. Personally, I can't wait. The man is a genius. Go watch his films.
Back From the Grave Pt.II 6th February2007, by Matneee
First off, my apologies for it being so long since the last update, although it's not (entirely) my fault. January was a bit of a disaster as far as months go. You see...
Since the last update, my house has been put back together at great expense by (as far as I can tell) a troupe of Gorillas in hard-hats, which I'm very pleased about and it now looks like this...
...but during last month's unpleasantness during which my house looked like this...
...it rained inside my house rather more than I'd usually like which, for one reason or another, eventually caused the PC with this site stored on it to end up looking like this...
...which made it less than ideal for web-design and rather more suitable for, say, lighting fires and learning to swear to professional standards at. The PC has also been rebuilt now at further massive expense and now looks like this...
...which is absolutely brilliant, apart from that it seems to have turned everything in the office Black and White, but I assume that's an issue with the graphics driver and can easily be sorted out. It's really very good, you know - I got a free Minion with it and I plan to use it to take over the world next week, assuming there's nothing good on TV.
The upshot is that after a month of misery, The Ministry of Certain Things is back up and running. The building has been restored by the Wild Men of Wongo and the PC has been nailed back together, so I've ran out of excuses and had better get on with things, really. There's going to be a temporary change of direction - the H.P Lovecraft Library is actually proving to be very popular (especially The Call of Cthulhu, Herbert West : Reanimator, The Shadow over Innsmouth and At the Mountains of Madness) so I'm going to concentrate on getting the Lovecraft Library more complete over the next few weeks. Basically that means I've found yet another excuse to put of finishing the site re-design. I could keep this up for months, you know...
Anyway. We're open again, so stop complaining and at least try to pretend to be happy about it. I'll start adding updates tomorrow. Probably.
Forces of Nature 11th Jan 2007, by Matneee
I thought I'd better write a few words seeing as nothing has appeared here for quite some time as you all wait for the fabled Site Re-Design. Well, the re-design is still in progress, although has been beset by terrible technical difficulties (i.e - I'm easily distracted and found something more interesting to do). The work on it is proceeding, though, and I hope to get most of it done today as I have the day of work. Huzzah, etc!!!
The reason I've got the day off isn't so good though. I more or less live on top of a cliff, it's been incredibly windy during the night, and I woke up to find my house looking something like this...
...which is good if you're a travel agent renting out 'Charmingly Authentic Rustic Villas' in rural Spain, but not so good if you live in possibly the windiest place in the UK with a current average rainfall of about 9 feet per hour. Anyway - I had someone out to look at it about half an hour ago who made that horrible sucking noise builders do with their teeth before something expensive happens and he's agreed to put it all back together for a large sum of cash, my first-born son (pending) and the agreement that he may also amputate an arm of his choice from me once the job is done.
So - If anyone out there would like to make donations to The Ministry of Certain Things disaster re-housing fund, you can make payments by paypal at... Ah, who am I kidding. You'd all rather see me freeze...
Happy New Year! 1st Jan 2007, by Matneee
Hurrah, hurrah, the New Year is here, Whoopy etc Oh God my head hurts. Yes, at about midnight last night, 2006 ended and everyone got tremendously excited about it, which is a little odd because we all knew 2007 was coming so it was hardly a surprise, was it? Still, it's a good excuse for a piss-up. I was drinking something bright yellow last night - which is never a good sign - and whatever it was I drank far too much of it because I feel decidedly seedy today. I can get away with that though, because I have today off work along with most other sensible people, which is a good thing as if all the hungover drones trundled bleary-eyed into work today the resulting chaos would probably plunge us back into the dark ages. Best to just close the planet for 24 hours then, eh?
Worryingly though, during the night I got a Text Message on my phone from my sister (who is a Nurse) who was apparently having a very good time and saying "Happy New Year! God help the patients tomorrow." which isn't the most promising sign for anyone under her tender ministrations today. But the hospital she works in is about 150 miles away from me, so I feel relatively safe should any misadventures befall me.
Anyway. "Happy New Year!" everyone, and I hope you all get over your hangovers/hair grows back/find your missing prosthetic limbs etc (delete as applicable)
*****
Right! The Ministry of Certain Things has now officially been open for 1 Month! During that time we've had almost 2000 unique visitors, which I'm frankly astounded by, so we must be doing something right. Thanks for visiting, everyone - you're a living testament to some people having more free time than sense. I could quote various boring statistics at you, but suffice to say that it seems Google bots account for about a ludicrous 10% of web traffic these days, which is actually more than people use Firefox, and at least one person out there in the world is still using Windows 98. For shame, Sir! Don't you know that '98 was written as a joke and never really worked in the first place? Oh - and I also seem to be getting a lot of hits from a Biker website I've never heard of called rideout-sw.co.uk. I'd just like to say that I have absolutely no idea who you are or why you're linking to me, but thanks for all the referals all the same. God bless you and all who sail in you.
There's a few updates today. The Lovecraft Library grows ever closer to completion (The Call of Cthulhu is, unsurprisingly the most popular story there still) and there's yet another brain-meltingly significant poll in the Express Yourself section. This'll probably be the last update for about a week, though - I'm finishing off the all-new version of the website over the next few days, which will add all kinds of new possibilities although seeing as I'm incredibly lazy I won't be using them just yet. But it's nice to think I could do something impressively interactive should the mood take me, isn't it? With any luck, you shouldn't even notice when the update goes online. More realistically though, it'll be obvious because I'll make a complete mess of things and the entire site will crash and break like a handfull of brittle twigs. So I apologise in advance.
Merry Christmas! - 25th Dec 2006, by Matneee
I'd like to make it perfectly clear that I'm only saying that because everyone in the world owning a personal website is contractually obliged to wish complete strangers a Merry Christmas on the 25th of December, under the misguided impression that it will make them appear jolly and not just seem like they couldn't think of anything better to write. Seriously - my webhost threatened to come round and stamp on my still-wrapped presents unless I did. Fortunately, I'd asked for a landmine for Christmas, so I let them, and it was everything I hoped for and more. It fair put me in the mood for writing this little Christmas message after all, although we may have to re-decorate come New Year and I don't think the stains will ever come out of what's left of the carpet.
The best thing about Christmas is the Crackers. For those who don't know, crackers are a bizarre English tradition that gets dragged out every year. Essentially, they are small highly decorated paper tubes that explode. Don't ask - I don't know why either. Although I do know you're no longer allowed to carry them on planes any more, presumably in case someone somehow manages to cram the 70 or 80 thousand crackers into their suitcase that you'd need to make a noticable dent in anything sturdier than a wet cardboard box . Inside them, you get a little plastic toy (or, inexplicably, sometimes a tiny screwdriver set), a jolly paper hat invariably made for someone with either a head the size of a tennis ball or advanced encephalitis and, best of all, a crap joke. I like the jokes. One year, being the miserly old toad that I am, I skimped a little on the crackers and paid rather less than I maybe could have for them, probably because there wasn't anyone I actually liked that much coming round that year. I'm not sure where they were made, but it certainly wasn't anywhere English-speaking. The jokes were brilliant though - I think they'd been transcribed from an Arabic re-telling of the jokes, through Pinghura Chinese, then typeset back to the original English, all by someone who spoke neither language. This one was my favorite...
"Question - What white and crumbly and swings in through the trees?
Answer - A Meringue"
Of course, the answer should be "A Meringue-utan" (I think...), but I like it much better the way they told it. It's kind of a traditional christmas joke for me these days.
So, as you sit under the groaning weight of the gargantuan Christmas Tree you bought while you were labouring under the delusion that you're the King of Norway, opening your wonderful presents of socks, aftershave, socks bathsalts and socks, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope you got everything you wished for. Unless you're some sort of crazed and bloodthirsty dictator hell-bent on world domination of course. In which case I hope you're not too dissapointed. Although if you pop by after lunch, I'll probably be quite drunk and won't notice if you Annex my house quickly enough.
Only Beer Can Save Us Now 22nd Dec 2006, by Matneee
As you all know, Christmas is the season to be jolly. And so in the interests of being jolly I'm going down the pub this afternoon to discuss lofty topics of importance with right-minded folk of superior breeding and intellect over a few pints of lager. Or get drunk. I'm not sure which one yet - we'll just have to see which way the wind blows. Anyway, I just thought I'd warn you all in advance because there's no guarantee I won't come home shitfaced and accidentally delete the website again. If I do then I apologise, as I do for pretty much anything I may write here after about 10PM. If you find yourself offended by anything after that time, I suggest you write a stiff letter of complaint to Bass Breweries concerning the matter, whom I'm currently also compiling a lawsuit dossier against concerning much of my behaviour in the 1990's. So there could be some cash in it for both of us! Forward copies of any letters to the usual Matneee@TMoCT.co.uk address so the legal team at The Ministry of Certain Things has something for their records.
Anyway, while I'm out debauching myself, I thought you might all want to entertain yourselves playing with these Fridge Magnets.
Take a screenshot of your efforts (just push the 'Print Screen' button on your keyboard, open MS Paint and select 'Edit' then 'Paste') and email them in to Matneee@TMoCT.co.uk with the subject heading FridgeMagnets and I'll put the best ones up in a gallery somewhere and declare a winner. Extra points will be awarded for being original, but failing that crude or juvenile is just as good. You might even want to make a picture out of them if you're particularly bored. But just remember folks - swearing is big and clever!
Er... Updates. A staggeringly important new poll question has been added and there's few more stories in the Lovecraft Library. I've also optimised some of the HTML code and other crushingly dull stuff like that so that some bits load faster, although I'm sure you won't even notice. But as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Ingrates.
1000th Visitor! 19th Dec 2006, by Matneee
Fantastic news, everyone! Yesterday, at approximately some time during the day, we had out 1000th new visitor to The Ministry of Certain Things! Yes, whilst browsing the web, Mrs Edna Grubb (pictured) logged onto our site setting off alarm bells and sirens we'd set up for this very special occasion, and we immediately dispatched a team of drivers from The Ministry to surprise her at her home in Badgers Mount, Kent, where they whisked her off for the adventure holiday of a lifetime!
"I was so surprised!", gushed Edna, aged 87 "I've never won anything in my life except the National Lottery, and this is just the sort of thing I need to break up the usual monotony of whist drives, knitting and pretending to be deaf that comes with my age". During her whirlwind outing, we took Edna to train with the SAS, drive a Formula 1 racing car, wrestle crocodiles, go skydiving and rounded off the day with an evening at a skatepark with professional tuition from none other than skate legend Bucky Lasek. Edna showed great promise and says she'll be doing more skating in future. "I had a great time and am looking forward to grabbing some more serious air." she said. "I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing and I'll definately be putting in my entry for the 2007 Gravity Games just as soon as my shattered limbs have healed and I can walk again." But by that time the morphine was beginning to take effect, and Edna gently drifted off into narcosis as the ambulance drove away, an exhausted but happy smile on her face.
Edna had a great time, everyone, but we'd also like to thank everyone who's dropped by in the past two weeks and made us feel like we're not just totally pissing in the wind here. And who knows - we might even run a similar day out for our 2000th visitor! So come back regularly - it could be you!
Bah Humbug 11th Dec 2006, by Matneee
I've been christmas shopping today and one day, with the correct drugs and medical attention, I hope to get over it. It was the usual wholesale carnage I've came to associate with the Festive Season of Joy. You know - people who are perfectly normal and reasonable human beings for the other 50 weeks of the year suddenly turning into ravening, flick-knife wielding pack-animals who'd happily beat you to the ground and kneel on your windpipe if they thought it'd help secure little Timmy that all important Super-Mega-Scrotaloid (or whatever this year's big thing is...)
Far worse, though, is buying The Present for the Significant Other. I mean, this could set the whole tone for the entire following year. Get it wrong, and you're screwed. It's at least two months of spare rooms and headaches followed by "Don't think I've forgotten..." type comments until about mid April. Mind you, even if you know exactly what they want you're still up shit creek. You could fly them out to Arizona, where you've rented the entire Grand Canyon for the day, have assembled the surviving cast members of "It's A Wonderful Life" to sing beautiful carols, and present them with the most wonderous, unique and romantic gifts in the history of present-giving as extra-cute fluffy animals you've personally selected for the occasion drift gently down to velvet cushions on gossamer parachutes, and they'd still sniff slightly, look blank for a second then say "No, really - it's...nice." It's what Significant Others do. It must part of the job remit or something. My advice is to just buy them a bottle of Vodka and try and get them drunk.
Anyway, a few more updates if you have a poke about the site. New stuff in the Made Up Stuff, The Movies and Lovecraft Library sections and an amazing new poll question - so I want to see a stack of new votes or we'll never figure out what makes this world tick! The site/host is also being converted to run with FrontPage extensions to make it easier for people to submit stuff, so it might get a little wobbly over the next week. If it does, it's catagorically not my fault and you should send all scathing letters to "Bill Gates, C/O Microsoft" instead. But if you really must send a torrent of abuse my way, then as usual direct them all to abuse@TMoCT.co.uk and you may yet win The Plant of legend and fable! Oh, joy of life!!! It's just what you always wanted for Christmas, you know..
Happy Birthweek! 8th Dec 2006, by Matneee
Gosh. Well, it's been a week now since The Ministry of Certain Things went online. And already it's shaping up to be a force that not even the unstoppable might of World's bravest man Steven Segal could stand up to. We've had about 400 unique visitors in the first 7 days, which I must admit is about 8 times more than I was optimistically hoping for, so extra Lager Sorbet is being posted out to all concerned. Expect rather soggy envelopes on your doormats early next week.
Steven Segal, demonstrating unstoppable might, earlier today
Everything is going to plan - well, apart from accidentally deleting the whole site last weekend. But hell, I was young and foolish back then (drunk) and now I'm older and wiser (sober). A few more updates in the Lovecraft Library and Made Up Stuff sections today (finally, a porn article!), and look out for Matneee's amazing new 'Page o Shite' - a page featuring things that are Shite - which will be up just as soon as I've figured out exactly what I can get away with before I cross that fine line where art becomes legally actionable. Needless to say it will be the best thing in the history of the world, ever.
Down in the Mouth 7th Dec 2006, by Matneee
I had to go to the Dentist yesterday. I hate going to the dentist. When I was a kid many long years ago, I was dragged down to have my teeth abused while the dentist was having his surgery re-modeled. Now, the waiting room was a little cluttered at the time, with some of the old equipment dumped there waiting for removal and some of the new dumped there waiting for instalation, and also some of the workman's equipment had been left lying around. And that was the problem. You see, there are few things in this world more guaranteed to scare the living shit of a 9 year old sweating in a dentists waiting room than seeing a 2 foot long heavy duty masonary drill casually resting on a chair. I think the mental devestation has stuck with me ever since. I'd sue the bastard if I could remember his name...
I've no idea why I'm telling you any of that, by the way. Probably because I can't think of anything interesting to write. Er.. There's been a few extras added to the site. There's a few more entries in the Lovecraft Library (I'm working on converting them all to PDFs so you can download them) and there's some extra stuff to download in The Movies section. There's also the fantastic new ' Made Up Stuff ' pages which are full of, er, Lies, really. If anyone has a burning desire to see any particular lies or mis-information spread throughout the World Wide Web (or anything else, for that matter), Email Matneee@TMoCT.co.uk although I'll probably put a submission form there one day if I can ever be arsed.
Back From the Grave 4th Dec 2006, by Matneee
Just a quick post to say that after yesterday's minor disaster, I think everything is restored now so I can get on with adding more new stuff. If you find I've made a total arse of anything, drop me an Email at Matneee@TMoCT.co.uk and I'll be ever so grateful.
I'd like to say that I've learned an important lesson here about never attemting potentially delicate operations when shitfaced, but that'd be a complete lie. I'll probably do exactly the same thing again next weekend. It's great being me...
Technical Difficulties 3rd Dec 2006, by Matneee
We would like to apologise as we seem to be experiencing a few teething problems at the moment. Well, to be truthful, I got quite drunk last night and have a tremendous hangover today, so whilst fiddling about with the ftp manager I somehow accidentally deleted most the website. Sometimes I'm so clever I even impress myself. Huzzah for Me!!!!
And on top of that, my Webhost has screwed up and won't let me upload the backup right now. Huzzah for Them!!!
Anyway. Needless to say our webmonkeys are working hard to get everything back to the rather mediocre standards you've rightly came to expect from The Ministry of Certain Things. I expect it mostly to be done by about 17:00PM (GMT) tomorrow so put your feet up and have some Lager Sorbet while you wait, but there might be some broken links etc in the mean time.
Matneee
Happy Birthday! 1st Dec 2006, by Matneee
It seems like only yesterday that The Ministry of Certain Things took it's first tentative steps across the Information SuperHighway, looking carefully both ways before stepping headfirst into the path of an oncoming bus. Well, actually it was only yesterday, but that's not going to stop me celebrating! We've had some disturbingly positive responses to the poll so far - don't worry, I'll think of a question to add to it soon, so keep those votes coming - and it is with a mixture of pride and horror that I read some of the emails that have been sent to the above address. I'll post a few of them as soon as my eyes have stopped bleeding. I guess I underestimated the pulling power of The Plant...
Even my cat - who has a little moustache like Adolf Hitler's and apparently shares many of his views regarding her station in this world - senses a frisson of excitement in the air. Why, only this morning she strode purposefully out into the fields to catch an extra-big mouse, bit it's head off and left it in my shoe! And that's a cat's way of saying it loves you!!!
If any of you would like to join in the festivities, I'll be celebrating later with a traditional english Lager Sorbet. Here's the recipe for those who are interested.
Lager Sorbet Ingredients
Directions
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Sounds absolutely scrumptious, I'm sure you'll all agree. If anyone has any similar recipes they'd like to share, please Email them to Matneee@TMoCT.co.uk and I'll put them up somewhere so we can all have a taste of the good life. Enjoy!
So then. Welcome to The Ministry of Certain things, such as it is. I'd welcome you to it properly, but I really have no idea who you are and know nothing about you. I mean, for all I know you could just come in, trail muddy footprints all over my nice, clean pages, then take a dump in the corner before throwing yourself out of the nearest window. How dare you! I invite you in here out of the kindness of my heart and you just wantonly abuse my hospitality! I feel dirty, violated and afraid now. People like you make me sick...
There's not a huge amount to see here yet - though more is being added daily - but while you're waiting for some more content to turn up you'll no doubt be wanting to defile me even further. So feel free to Email unsolicited vitriol to the following address. Best one wins a plant - a big, green one with really nice leaves.
A Plant.
You Are Visitor Number
Since 30th Nov 2006
You Are Visitor Number
Since 30th Nov 2006