Made-Up Stuff

NOTICE  - I regret to inform everyone that I shall no longer be updating this page. But instead, I've opened up a fantastic new site called CrapWiki.com that is clearly the best website in the world, ever, and is full of this sort of rubbish. Go check it out! 

 

Half truths, prevarications and stories of dubious origin. You know - Lies. We do our best to ensure that all reports  are innacurate but it is inevitable that some factual information may creep into the page by accident. If that turns out to be the case then please accept our apologies, but hey - we can't be expected to check if everything is wrong, can we?

Bee Good - 7th September 2007, by Matneee

Many respected scientists have hypothesized that bees should in fact be incapable of flight. This is because Air Hostesses are generally frightened of bees and will not let them on aeroplanes, and it is also believed that most bees do not even own passports.

Bear Faced Cheek - 14th Jan 2006, by Matneee

Everybody loves polar bears. Well, except seals. Majestic, noble creatures of the snowy arctic wastelands and much better than those rubbish Grizzly bears. Did you know that the species name for the grizzly bear is Ursus Arctos ? I mean, how much of a wannabe bear do you have to be to change your entire species name, just to try and sound a bit more like the far better Polar Bears. Goddamned grizzly losers...

Anyway. In the interests of learning more about these fascinating and delightful creatures, here's a few little know facts about them...

  • Male Polar Bears may grow 10 feet tall and weigh over 1400 pounds.
  • Despite what we think, a polar bear's fur is not white. Each hair is a clear, hollow tube. Polar Bears look white because each hollow hair reflects the light.
  • On sunny days, it's pelt traps the sun's infrared heat and keeps the bear warm at 98 degrees fahrenheit when resting.
  • Contrary to the popular adverts, Polar Bears do not enjoy drinking Coca Cola. They much prefer Pepsi.
  • Polar Bears are very versatile and adaptable animals. During World War II, hundreds of Polar Bears were imported to England to take over the farming of arable land, driving buses, working in munitions factories and so on.
  • Polar Bears also make excellent natural Librarians.
  • In 1978, a Polar Bear advanced to the semi-finals of the World Ping-Pong championship before failing a drugs test for the banned substance nandrolone. His defeated opponent, Xie-Man Shuo, went on to win the tournament!
  • The Three-Toed Sloth is the Polar Bear's only natural predator.

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak! It's only by trying to learn more about this rare and beautiful animal that we can begin understand them properly, and start to truly appreciate what charming rugs they make.

Little bundles of joy - 16th Dec 2006, by Matneee

Now the festive season is nigh, it's inevitable during the inescapable horrors of upcoming office parties that someone amongst us will drink a little too much, get a little too friendly with a few people, and, to be blunt, drop their knickers at a moment they will come to regret in 9 months time. Some people are never just happy with photocopying their genitals then faxing them to head office.

But take heart - for Salvation is at hand! No longer need you keep your unwanted mewling child secretly locked in a darkened attic for 18 years, prodding it with pointed sticks and feeding it nothing but fish-heads and broken glass before casting them out into the sewers to fend for themselves. For we at the Ministry of Certain Things are proud to bring you Ebaby - the first Government Approved* Baby auctioning site! Just listen to what this customer had to say when we talked to them...

 Yeah, it used to be such an ordeal to buy unwanted babies illegally without people finding out, but with Ebaby I've managed to assemble a whole tribe of unwanted children in less than a fortnight. Is that thing recording?

-Ebaby member Mad0nna13

Everyone ends up with at least one child who's a bit shite - perhaps they wet themselves during important public functions, are abnormally ginger, or just smell a little stranger than you'd like no matter how much bleach you use. Or maybe they just seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now you simply can't be arsed bringing them up any more. Either way,  if you've got any unwanted children but have ethical misgivings about selling them into medical experimentation, why not find them a good home by selling them through Ebaby! It's the no-strings-attached way to make cash out of your surplus children - today!

* - Actual Government may not approve

Scourge of the Outback -11th Dec 2006, by Matneee

Most people think of Koalas as cute, cuddly, loveable creatures who spend all their docile lives shuffling about Eucalyptus trees, only coming down for the occasional cuddle with friendly tourists. Well, if you were to pick one up and stroke it, you'd probably find they're not quite as cuddly as you imagined. You see, Koalas are actually vicious and efficient killing machines who'd have your arm off just as soon as look at you, and are even employed by Australian Special Forces Death Squads in time of war to take out otherwise impossible targets. Except you don't hear about that, because they have to keep it secret to protect the identity of the Koalas in question.

Yes, Koalas are the real reason why all but the most venomous and poisonous of wildlife long since died out in Australia. You see that picture above? Well, the one on the other's back isn't a young being carried about by it's mother - it's actually an agressive Ninja Koala that just leaped 30 feet from an adjoining tree and is now strangling the other in it's vice-like grip. 30 seconds later it turned on the cameraman and all that was later found of him was a few bones and a faint whiff of eucalyptus.

Next week we explain why a Platypus will always triumph over a Great White Shark in a fight to the death.

Aero - 8th Dec 2006, by Matneee

We're all justifiably excited about Microsoft's new Windows Vista next year, with it's many innovations and it's fantastic new Aero interface. But a little known feature is that this all-new 3D Desktop will also be able to show Internet Porn in full 3D for the first time, bringing us all a step closer to that Weird Science film from the 1980s. I, for one, can't wait! 

Well That Sucks  - 5th Dec2006, by Matneee

In the beautiful small town of Mariposa, California, it is forbidden for more than 178 vacuum cleaners to be in use at any one time between the months of May and September. It is feared that the localised lowering in air-pressure this would inevitably cause could easily bring about adverse weather conditions and ruin the town's otherwise idyllic summers.

Home Drug Abuse - 4th Dec 2006, by Matneee

Drinking 250ml of Diet Coke mixed with 80ml of Castor Oil, 2 teaspoons of Epsom Salts and a dash of Nutmeg and Cinnamon is medically proven to bring on a state of euphoria not dissimilar to snorting 2-3 lines of cocain. Go on - try it!

Interactovision(tm) - 3rd Dec 2006 by Matneee

At Last, we at The Ministry of Certain Things are proud to bring you the InteractoVision(tm) Demo!!! After years of painstaking research, our pioneering team of Imagineers have finally perfected this breakthrough technology, meaning that this is now literally the only film you will ever need to own or see! Just imagine - no more expensive cinema tickets or bulky shelves full of DVDs!!! 

All you have to do is sit close to the screen, clear your mind and once InteractoVision starts, let your imagination take over. Using this marvellous new innovation, you can imagine that literally any film is playing on screen,  so it can be watched over and over again and you’ll never get bored! Also, because of cutting edge PinkScreen technology (pink being the colour of imagination as we all know) every person will have their own personal, entirely different experience!! Groundbreaking stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree!!!!

Of course, as this is the first public test of this experimental new technology, in the interests of scientific research it would be of great help if you all let us know what you saw whilst watching InteractoVision(tm). Why, I myself watched ten minutes ago and saw a hilarious comedy in which the Pope ran about posting bacon sandwiches through the letterboxes of Synagogues! Outrageous!!

 Make sure you double-click the media player for full-screen effectiveness.

Disclaimer -  we're sorry if you didn't get to experience the full wonder of InteractoVision(tm) It's possible you just didn't follow the instructions, or that your imagination is faulty, but if you return your PinkScreen to The Ministry, we'll be more than happy to give you a full waranty refund.

Firefox users unable to see Windows Media Player try here.